Review: The Uninvited (2009)

Producer Roy Lee has made a lot of hay from importing horror films of Asian descent, slapping an Americanized polish on it and releasing it onto the unsuspecting public. With The Uninvited, Lee has tapped The Guard Brothers as directors, previously known for short films. Writers Craig Rosenberg and Doug Miro and Carlo Bernard, who have collectively written such films as The Great Raid and Hotel de Love, were given the daunting task of taking the near-classic A Tale of Two Sisters and adapting it for stateside audiences. The Uninvited takes a more linear approach than the twisting telling that was the hallmark of the predecessor.

Anna (Emily Browning) begins the film as the inmate of an asylum. Fortunately for her, it's her last day, and she is soon to be released into the arms of her novelist father, Steven (David Straithairn). Back at home, the family is reeling from the death of Anna's mother, but Steven has moved on. He has found solace in the arms of Rachael (Elizabeth Banks), who had previously served as the family's nurse as Anna's mother's illness worsened. What we come to learn, though, is that Anna's mother didn't die of her illness, but rather an explosion that has suspicious roots.
Along with the awkwardness of her father's new girlfriend, Anna tries to rebuild her relationship with sister Alex (Arielle Kebbel). Anna and Alex had been thick as thieves, and soon find a mutual distrust of Rachael as she insinuates herself into the family proper. Adding to Anna's growing suspicion of Rachael's true intentions are visions that haunt Anna, namely of three children, ghostly in appearance, who are trying to communicate with the young girl. Are they trying to tell Anna that Rachael has killed them and Anna and her sister are next, or is there something more insidious going on here?

Sadly, the problems with The Uninvited are numerous. First and foremost, the secret of the film, which I won't spoil here, is so plainly obvious that it detracts from the film as a whole. From the first act on, one of the supposed twists must prey on the thoughts of the viewer, drawing attention away from the screen. Not that that's a bad thing. There's not much happening up there. The script handles the family dynamic in a straightforward, unsophisticated manner, making the drama of the mother's death underwhelming. As far as the scares go, there's not much to be had. There are a few jump gags, and some imagery of kids in garbage bags at wrong angles, but not much else.
If anything could save this movie, it would be Elizabeth Banks, who delights in playing a villainess. It would have been sadistic fun to see her work her chops in a better film, and there are more than a few line deliveries that bring one to smile. David Straithairn doesn't have much to do here, but he's fine, as usual. Emily Browning does an adequate job of playing the terrorized Anna, but Kebbel drags down almost every scene she appears in. She's a very pretty girl, but this is not the film to showcase her acting talents, if they indeed exist.
Paul Simon once sang, "Who do you think you're fooling?" and that's the question that kept running through my mind during the 90 minutes it took this film to put me out of my misery. Banks is so much fun that I hate to see her in a performance that is wasted on a film that relies far too heavily on cheap gags and twists that are so telegraphed, there are as-yet undiscovered tribes in the Congo that saw them coming. This is a film made by people that understand that horror is, in fact, a genre that exists, but don't seem to understand the mechanics or inventiveness that went into making A Tale of Two Sisters such a treat. If you haven't seen that Korean treasure, do yourself a favor and give it a rent and stay far away from The Uninvited. You'll thank me, later.

Review: Teeth

Mitchell Lichtenstein's unusual film Teeth brings a peculiar version of body horror to the screen. Spawned from a line of films about young women coming to terms with their changing bodies, such as Carrie, Teeth ducks the typical supernatural elements of puberty and instead focuses on one girl's attempt to understand her own body at the dawn of sexual awareness.

Jess Weixler ably plays the lead role of Dawn O'Keefe, a girl whose purity is above reproach. Dawn speaks before groups, advocating chastity, symbolized by a red ring that is only replaced by the gold wedding band of the future. Dawn is ridiculed by most in her high school, aside from the peer group of friends determined to keep their legs closed, including Tobey (Hale Appleman), with whom Dawn feels an immediate attraction. Waiting in the wings is the more secular Ryan (Ashley Springer), clearly infatuated with Dawn. On top of it all, Dawn's family life is in turmoil due to the disease ravaging her mother and a brother that serves as a mirror reflection of Dawn - wanton in all ways: lascivious, drug-addled, primitive.
Tobey and Dawn pursue a relationship with one another, leading to the revelation that Tobey isn't quite so pure, having been sexually active in his past. Dawn continues the tentative affair, however, whispering to Tobey to maintain purity even as they kiss in a local lake, a make-out point for many. When Tobey attempts to get too aggressive with Dawn following an accident leaving her dazed, the viewer is treated to what this movie is really all about. Tobey finds that attempted rape can leave a man feeling like he's lost part of himself, especially where Dawn and her vaginal teeth are concerned.

As Dawn struggles to understand the mutation within her own body, she delves into the mythology of the vagina dentata, and comes to believe that only a hero can tame the beast that resides between her legs. The journey Dawn takes truly is that of a hero, transitioning from simple, chaste young woman to a weapon of vengeance. None around her are safe if they choose to use their sexual organs for less than love.
Lichtenstein has created a complex and enjoyable examination of feminine power with Teeth, and one wonders just how he sees his own film as a man crafting a female character with such a deadly and disfiguring attribute. With Dawn, Lichtenstein molds a woman who is her own best self-defense from the vagaries of the male organ and male needs. But is this film a celebration of feminine power or a true cautionary tale directed at the men surrounding Dawn, and the audience, saying not-so-subtly that aggressive sexuality is self-destructive?
The answers may not be so easy, but any horror film that can throw in equal parts thought, parable and extreme moments of disfigurement make me want to celebrate. It's a fun movie to watch, echoing a bit of Election's dark high school comedy, but with a far more grotesque bent. One scene involving Dawn's brother, Brad, is particularly disturbing, but oh so worth the squirming.

There is a suggestion that Dawn's mutation may be the result of her proximity to a nearby nuclear power plant, but that's really beside the point. This isn't a movie about how, but about the discovery of one's own power and the cost of sexual aggression. It's well-acted, for the most part, and one cannot say enough about the energy Jess Weixler brings to Dawn. If you're male, I recommend watching this with hands over the eyes, as there is some imagery that is sure to cross the legs of the most hardened (sorry for the pun) movie viewer. Best of all, Teeth is original. There are faults with pacing, at times, but the payoff is worth the wait, including the ending with the most lecherous geezer ever on film. This is a fresh, fun, smart movie worthy of any collection.

Review: Cold Prey (Fritt Vilt)

Though American horror seems to be content to wallow in remakes or re-imaginings, the rest of the world has been producing some of the best examples of the genre. In particular, European entries have been notable of late, including the sublime and brilliant Let the Right One In, Room 205, and now this slasher entry from the Norwegians entitled Cold Prey. We're a couple of years behind the curve in getting this on video, but it's finally made its way to our store shelves.

Cold Prey involves five friends embarking on a ski trip, determined to find a place away from the usual holiday enthusiasts who are content to ride the lifts along with the rest of the public. Eirik (Tomas Alf Larsen) and his companion, Jannicke (Ingrid Bolso Berdal), have found a secluded spot in which to play. Accompanied by Morten Tobias (Rolf Kristian Larsen), and new couple Ingunn (Viktoria Winge) and Mikal (Endre Martin Midtstigen), they find a rear mountain slope with enough untouched powder to give the illusion of their own playground. All is fun and games until Morten Tobias takes a nasty spill, resulting in a compound fracture.
Unable to take him to safety, the five adventurers come across an abandoned ski lodge where Jannicke is able to field-dress Morten Tobias' wounds, and for the rest to contemplate their best course of action. With Morten Tobias stabilized, and in good spirits thanks to some painkillers and 35-year-old brandy, the group settles in for the night. There are the usual conflicts here, with Morten Tobias secretly pining for one of the girls, Ingunn and Mikal facing the usual new-relationship conflicts, and Jannicke and Eirik feeling their way around real commitment.

The proceedings take a lethal turn when a strange figure turns up, terrorizing the friends with his handy pick-axe. Even as Eirik heads towards civilization to help the injured Morten Tobias, the remaining skiers must find a way to survive as the mystery man tracks them through the lodge.
Cold Prey, first of all, is a beautiful film. The mountainous scenery and pure snow make for a great backdrop to a horror film. The isolation of the group plays well, here, and the actors are, to a one, convincing in their roles. Though the characters will occasionally make a foolish choice, they understand their actions, and so does the audience. No idiot teenagers here, only young adults struggling with a potentially deadly foe.

Director Roar Uthaug does a fine job of setting a tone and sticking with it, and there are a few scenes that are genuinely thrilling to behold. Uthaug is clearly a student of the slasher, and knows what works and what doesn't, providing some fine scares while avoiding the usual character pitfalls that plague this sort of movie.

There are really two flaws with the film. The first is the villain. Anyone who's ever seen a horror film is going to know who the antagonist is, even with the face covered in furs and snow goggles. The pick-axe is a fine weapon, and it works pretty well here, but there's not much off the beaten path in terms of kills or gore. The other big flaw is that, although Cold Prey is a great example of the slasher genre, done well, that's all there is to see here. There's nothing terribly new or different to be found in the 97-minute run time, not that there's anything wrong with that. It works well, moves along at a nice pace, has some great moments, and maintains its creepy tone, throughout.
Though there's nothing wrong with this film, and if you are a slasher fan, it's certainly going to deliver for you, but it exists within the boundaries of that genre without seeming too concerned with pushing the boundaries. It doesn't adhere to the rules of the slasher in the same manner that a Halloween sequel will, and the first kill in particular is a bit out-of-the-norm, but it's not blazing trails, or attempting to, for that matter. Cold Prey is an above-average slasher, with some believable characters, a great setting and some fun moments. As long as you're not looking for more, you'll be perfectly happy with it.

Review: The Zombie Diaries

Another entry under the Dimension Extreme label, The Zombie Diaries attempts to do Papa Bear one better, taking the verite style employed by Romero for Diary of the Dead and do it with a smaller budget, but with more of the realism that makes this style of shaky-cam filmmaking effective. Writer-directors Michael Bartlett and Kevin Gates have created a three-part examination of the zombie apocalypse, attempting to bring a heightened sense of "this is how it would happen" to the proceedings.

The first of the stories, titled "The Outbreak", involves a crew of documentarians who are on their way to an interview outside London. Reports are coming in from the world over about a virus that has flu-like symptoms. London, thus far, has been spared from the disease, but, as the crew leaves the city, the first reports of an urban English outbreak of the mysterious disease come in. At the farmhouse, the crew find themselves stranded and alone after their car breaks down, left to fend for themselves as hone service and, eventually, power are interrupted.
The second of the vignettes is entitled "The Scavengers" is set weeks after the events of the first tale, and follows separate group going from town to town, searching for food and supplies, all the while ducking the zombies that roam the land. We find that, though the zombies are slow, shambling masses, when you're picking through an abandoned grocery store and let your guard down, more than a few can sneak up on you in a hurry.

The final story is called "The Survivors" and involves a larger group then either of the first two chapters, holed up in a farm where they make patrols, kill those zombies that come too close, and generally try to survive. As they struggle, the true natures of the survivors comes out, and the viewer learns that the zombies aren't the only monsters at work in this film.
A tag at the end brings the events of the first tale and the last together in a more-or-less satisfying way, without seeming too heavy-handed. The overlap is interesting, and a needed tool to keep the viewer engaged throughout these disparate views of societal collapse after the events of Z-Day.

The Zombie Diaries is an independent film, no question about that. The production values are relatively low, although the make-up effects do not suffer as a result, and some of the zombies are fairly grisly. Music is mostly absent, although deep tones often resonate in the creepier moments. The acting, on the other hand, is spotty. In particular, an American actor who turns up in the final two vignettes is more than a little cringeworthy.

The biggest problem of the film is the same flaw of all verite-style films, which is why would you bother to keep filming when the world is falling down around your ears? And how do you keep them charged when there is no longer a constant source of electricity? Once you attempt to divine the logic of doing so, the film falls apart. Too often the camera work is too frazzled, or the camera drops in too convenient a spot. Sure, that allows for some arresting imagery, and there are good moments to be had, but more often this camera work is a reminder that the viewer is involved with the watching of a film, and not experiencing the apocalypse, as the directors seem to have intended.
While we're on that topic, there has yet to be the globally conscious zombie film I want to see. In every scenario, we always find ourselves with a band of plucky survivors. I would love to see a documentary-style production about the zombie-related end of the world, but this is too narrow in scope to satisfy that craving. Still, The Zombie Diaries isn't awful, just pedestrian. I hesitate to say that it's better than Diary of the Dead, with the stilted dialogue and "did you get it, yet?" discussion of theme, which is absent from Zombie Diaries, but it's certainly no worse. Both films are mildly disappointing, if interesting, diversions for zombie fans, but neither one is going to shake up your favorites list.

Review: Amusement

Amusement is something of an oddity these days. The horror anthology has always been a mainstay, whether it's the volume of short fiction or the series of short films, usually strung together by a wrap-around story (Creepshow, the recent Trapped Ashes), but few are successful in maintaining a consistent tone, and, more importantly, consistent scares.

Amusement tells the tales of three former schoolmates, all of whom confront their own horrors through the course of the narrative. The first outing involves Shelby (Laura Breckenridge), travelling at night with her boyfriend, who is preoccupied with finding a 'convoy' of cars to follow at a high rate of speed. When he comes across one involving a semi and a fellow traveler in an SUV, he and Shelby find themselves taking a detour through some remote areas. Shelby is alarmed by the appearance of a girl in the back of the semi, especially after the trucker has made a point of stating he is travelling alone. When, as Shelby and her driver follow the semi, they see a note in the rear window reading "Help me", you just know things are going to head south.
Following Shelby's story is that of Tabitha (Katheryn Winnick), easily the best of the bunch. When Tabitha appears at her aunt and uncle's door for a visit, she finds her nephews home alone, the babysitter having apparently split for no good reason. Outside, a storm thunders, and Tabitha's room doesn't help her state of mind uch. See, it's wall-to-wall clowns, and the life-size clown that sits in a rocking chair is especially unnerving. I think you know where things head from there.

Finally, we are given the story of Lisa (Jessica Lucas), who gets investigative after her roomate doesn;t come home. Enlisting the aid of her health department-employed boyfriend, she sneaks into the Pere Pension where her roommate's would-be date was holing up. Within, Lisa goes through a funhouse of horrors as she attempts to find her friends.
Amidst all the individual stories, the girls' paths are linked by a single incident involving a young boy, a schoolmate with a bit of a twisted side. The final act is the culmination of the three stories and a resolution of their history within the walls of an abandoned factory (or something - I know it has bowels).

The test of any anthology is its ability to maintain momentum, and that is whereAmusement falls short. The first tale is fairly by-the-numbers, the last a bit silly and even the resolution story seems to wander more than barrel towards a conclusion. That being said, the final moments do manage to produce some nice surprises, but not enough to lift it above the average effort it feels like.
However, there is something to recommend this one. The second story with the clown - I'll be damned if this isn't one of the best post-Halloween takes on the babysitter story, a scary treat that may be predictable, but is done with enough gusto to make it one of the more entertaining scares I've seen recently. The perfect marriage of creepy clown (and it is creepy) and victimized young lady trying to protect her charges builds very slowly, with some excellent texture, including a rain-soaked and hidden young man arriving to find his girlfriend isn't babysitting, after all. It's a very well done example of building tension, even if the final moments are straight out of the slasher playbook.

Director John Simpson (Freeze Frame) works off a script by Jake Wade Wall, who contributed to the scripts for the remakes of The Hitcher and When a Stranger Calls. That feels about right there's nothing revolutionary here, and some of the gaps in logic, particularly in the last story (she waited how long for her boyfriend to show back up?), but that second story gives me pause before passing judgement. It's not a great movie, and, at times, not even a very good one, but there's enough to make it a guarded recommendation, albeit one better caught on cable late at night than rented and watched with loved ones. Take a grain of salt with this one and you just might have a good time. And that clown...

Review: Underworld: Rise of the Lycans

Underworld: Rise of the Lycans is the third film in the Underworld series, beginning in 2003. The series has been successful in creating its own mythology in which vampires and werewolves (or lycans) find themselves at war with one another, with both films exceeding $50 million in box office grosses. This entry defines the initial conflict, leading to the events of the two previous films. Directed by Patrick Tatopoulos, whose only previous directorial effort was 2000's Bird of Passage, Tatopoulos has been in the creature effects business for some time. Writer Danny McBride has returned to pen the script with Dirk Blackman and Howard McCain. McBride has worked on the previous Underworld films, providing continuity between the projects.

The film begins with the story of Lucian (Michael Sheen), the first lycan to possess the ability to shape-shift between the wolf form and that of a normal man. As such, he has garnered the attention of the vampire lord, Viktor (Bill Nighy), who sees him as a treasured pet. Using Lucian's blood, Viktor has created a race of the shapeshifting creatures, who, it turns out, make pretty good slaves since they have the reason of men and the strength of lycans.
Complicating things further, Lucian has begun a secret affair with Viktor's child, the fiery Sonja (Rhona Mitra), something that would no-doubt be frowned upon by the other members of the council which rules over the vampires, and of which Sonja and Viktor are members. Lucian struggles with his status as Viktor's preferred slave, but is bound to his station by his love of Sonja.

The vampire population is hounded (sorry) by the more beastly lycans that populate the wilds beyond the vampires' stronghold, and even the humans that the vampires have been extorting for protection are becoming bold as they suffer at the maws of the lycans. This must lead to the revolt of the lycans held by the vampires, and a tortured fate for Lucian and Sonja.
From the beginning, this movie takes a few steps that are frustrating. Firstly, this is one of those directors who thinks that action scenes are enhanced by frenetic edits and rapid camera work. If that's your thing, this one has it in spades. It does make the action difficult to follow, highlighted only by a handful of slow motion moments as somebody jumps over somebody else or when a limb gets hacked or bitten off.

The actors are pros, and seeing Nighy and Sheen work together is fun, even when it's something as silly as snarling at one another. Rhona Mitra steps out of the muddled Doomsday into another role where her chief requirements are to look beautiful (she does) and to be somber (she is). One imagines that the cast must have had fun working on the production, but that doesn't necessarily translate to joy for the audience. In fact, what the film lacks most is a sense of fun or thrills. It is too somber, too dark, leaving the viewer with a feeling of weight throughout the movie. There's a single laugh beat in the film, which plays fairly well, seeing a how long it takes to reach it and the fact that the mood is so oppressive the rest of the run time.
If you are a fan of this series, this is no worse than any of the other entries, and there are bright spots, but it collapses under the weight of its own seriousness. From the doomed love affair to the issues of slavery that run throughout, it's a story that isn't poorly told, but it's a bummer. The idea of werewolves and vampires going toe to toe in a film seems like a wild ride, but this feels more like a family vacation - fraught with peril and a healthy dose of strain to keep everyone moody and sucks the frivolity right out of the room. This monster versus monster story conceit is presented in too leaden a fashion to make it an enjoyable movie-going experience. This one is for fans of the franchise and other who find a serious look at werewolf slavery satisfying.

You can also see this review at www.TheLastBlogontheLeft.com.

The Blog, It Is A'Changin'

Past couple of days have been quiet here, due largely to the inevitable transition to a .com. In fact, we are now up and running. Check out www.thelastblogontheleft.com. It's a lot to type, so be sure to bookmark!

For all those who have been regular readers, many thanks and I hope to see everyone on the new site. We'll still be updating here until the content is fully migrated. Also, any feedback you have, hit me up here or from the contact page on the new site. See everyone on the interwebs!

Tangent #2: Welcome to the New America

The only other time I've diverted from horror topics was upon the too-soon death of George Carlin. Happily, this is a celebratory tangent.

No matter your politics, or your country of origin, today is an historic event for the United States. Aside from the obvious racial component to the day and the expectation-shattering moment we've borne witness to, among many people there is a renewed spirit of optimism that cannot be denied. We can believe again that this nation can be a place of understanding and tolerance, and not simply a place where one group's ideals dictate policy. This is a country founded on the idea of being greater than the sum of its parts, not in spite of, but because of the cultural differences between us. I am proud to have seen this election in my lifetime, and watching President Barack Obama accept the oath of office is a moment I will never forget.

Tomorrow, back to the genre. For today, I am simply and profoundly proud to be an American.

Review: Stuck

Stuart Gordon has done an amazing job of being a relevant genre director for three decades. In the '80s, he scored with the cult classics Re-Animator and the equally fun, if overlooked, From Beyond. In the '90s, he continued with such films as The Pit and the Pendulum, Fortress and Castle Freak. With the turn of the new millennium, Gordon contributed to the Masters of Horror series, as well as producing his slickest-looking Lovecraft adaptation yet with Dagon. Stuck may be his boldest film, yet.

The film opens with the words "Inspired by a true story", one that I can recall hearing news outlets fix on for a time. When nursing assistant Brandi Boski (Mena Suvari) decides to have a wild Friday night, she makes a fateful decision to drive herself home. At the same time, sad sack Thomas Bardo (Stephen Rea), recently evicted from his dingy apartment, crosses an intersection sealing both their fates. Brandi is distracted, stoned and driving too fast to stop as she sees Bardo lit by her headlights. The impact is brutal, sending Bardo's torso through the windshield while his remaining appendages lie prone on the hood of her car.
Brandi attempts to dump the body at the hospital, but changes her mind when she runs the risk of being seen. So, she does what anyone would do - she drives home, locks the car in her garage and ponders an out. Her boyfriend, Rashid (Russell Hornsby), a small time drug dealer, meets Brandi at home and she tells him the details of the accident, leaving out the minor detail that the homeless man she struck is still embedded in her windshield. Worse yet, Tom Bardo isn't dead. Yet. As he begs for help, Brandi first promises to get him help, then takes a chunk of wood across his skull to quiet him when he begins honking the horn for aid. The film takes several nasty turns, all inspired by Brandi's desire to cover up her crime and Tom Bardo's struggle to survive.

Stuck can easily be dismissed as a black comedy, but it is happily so much more than that. The script by John Strysik is firmly rooted in reality, and Tom Bardo's journey through the film is heart-breaking. Rea does plenty with the role, finding a strength in Bardo on the worst day of his life. Suvari is all manic energy here, and the reveals of how far her character is willing to go to hide the truth and deny her culpability are squirm-inducing for their honesty. The final moments of the film, when these two characters must unquestionably confront one another are pitch-perfect.
Gordon has done something special in this movie, crafting an entertaining and darkly funny movie while addressing issues that are undeniably relevant. When Rashid tells Brandi she shouldn't worry about having killed another human being because he was homeless and no one would care, Gordon is making an unsubtle critique of how society as a whole views the least among us. To know Bardo's tale leading to the accident is to find true sympathy for him. Likewise, there are issues of immigration, wage slavery and the instinct for a new America to deny responsibility for its actions. It's a great addition to Gordon's canon and reveals that gore isn't the only thing Gordon knows.

Out now on DVD and Blu-Ray, Stuck is a challenging and satisfying film that should appeal to genre fans and normies alike. There are a few cringe-worthy moments when Gordon slips in some of his trademark blood, but they are appropriate to the film and should not deter anyone from seeing a movie that forces the viewer to ask tough questions of themselves. A real winner.

Paul Blart, Dirty Harry Bust Valentine

My Bloody Valentine 3-D took the number three spot this weekend, behind both Gran Torino in the number two slot and Paul Blart: Mall Cop at number one. Eastwood's possible swan song performance aside, I have no problem being just a small number behind a film that has garnered critical success again for Eastwood, as well as award talk for the film. What burns is to be behind Paul Blart: Mall Cop. Sure, it opened on more screens, sure it's not rated R, precluding some of the target demographic for Valentine to see the 3-D slasher, but Paul Blart? I'll get over it, but that stings, gang.

Upcoming this week, we'll see if Valentine's peformance will continue beyond opening-week fascination with the film as it goes up against Underworld: Rise of the Lycans. Also, dumping on DVD tomorrow is Saw V, which you can read a review of here.

Signed Bloody Valentine Poster!

So, the movie is out, the review is up and all is right with the world. After seeing My Bloody Valentine 3-D, which you should do if you're looking for a bloody good time, you may wonder how you can make the memories last, and maybe make the world a better place, too. Lionsgate has come to your rescue with a chance to get some cool memorabilia. Five posters of My Bloody Valentine 3-D will be auctioned off on E-bay, all signed by the cast and will include a certificate of authenticity. You can link to the auctions here, here, here, here and here. You also get a letter from an executive a Lionsgate, assumedly thanking you for the donation and asking how your mother's doing these days. All proceeds will go to The Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation, and bidding will end on January 20th. Thanks to Lionsgate for their charity, as well as one hell of a fun movie.

Review: My Bloody Valentine 3-D

The slasher is an interesting beast. For every horror fan, it becomes a staple, at one point or another, of the cinematic diet. We all have our favorites, too, whether it's the parade of bodies that is best exemplified by the Friday the 13th series, or the more plot-oriented, such as April Fools' Day or Happy Birthday to Me. Patrick Lussier's My Bloody Valentine 3-D falls squarely in the latter.

Valentine opens in 1999 with a terrible accident at the Hanniger mine, one which leaves the young Tom (Jensen Ackles) squarely to blame. However, while miners are trapped, one of them goes off his nut and murders his fellow workers to conserve air. This killer, Harry Warden, is rescued and goes on a killing spree that racks up quite the body count. He is eventually shot and flees deeper into the mine, presumably to die, leaving in his wake only a handful of survivors, including the traumatized Tom.
Ten years later, Tom has returned home to sell the mine and manages to reunite with his former squeeze, Sarah (Jaime King), who has since married Tom's former rival Axel (Kerr Smith). Axel has assumed the mantle of sheriff for the mining town of Harmony, and even manages some time away to frolic with young Megan (Megan Boone). Unfortunately for Tom, his arrival has also reawakened the town's bloody history and the murders Harry Warden committed a decade ago have resumed in equally brutal fashion. The questions left by the new murders bring Tom under suspicion, as well as several other members of a town still reeling from a single dark night and a terrible secret kept by the elder men of the town.

So, yes, there is more plot than usual for the typical slasher, and Valentine often plays like a murder mystery rather than an outright horror film. Make no mistake, though, this is a slasher of the type that is often imitated and rarely duplicated. Lussier knows what this movie is all about, and he delivers. The opening scenes feel like stepping back into the '70s and early '80s, when slashers were done with gusto, without the polished MTV-style editing of so many recent remake attempts. One early scene involves a trucker, his nude paramour, a little person (or nugget) and a trusty pick-axe. It's fast, over-the-top and precisely what these sorts of movies should be.
So, how's the 3-D, you ask? Awesome, gang. Even without the usual gags where something's coming right atcha (and there are those, to be sure), the digital 3-D adds depth to every scene, and there are moments when you feel like you could fall right into it. There are glimpses when the scenes look a bit odd, but these are fleeting and at no time did the glasses or the effects give me the headache so often associated with the old red and blue glasses. If this is where 3-D is headed, it's getting there in a hurry.

Not all is perfect, though. The dialogue is sometimes clunky, but when has dialogue been the centerpiece of a slasher film? The acting is generally melodramatic, which is fitting but wearisome at times. Ackles doesn't have much opportunity to flash the charm he displays on the series Supernatural, but he's fine here just the same. A special treat for me was seeing veteran genre actor Tom Atkins (The Fog, Night of the Creeps) back in action, with possibly the best kill in the film to boot. The biggest problem the film has is, after the bristling pace of the first twenty or so minutes, the slow-down the film suffers through as it establishes the mystery at the core of the movie. The resolution works, for the most part, and I was still playing the maybe game up until the reveal, but it's not the reason the movie works.
And, the movie does work. It's bloody, creepy and sometimes ferocious. This is an event horror film, filled with some excellent 3-D gags and enough gore to keep everyone satisfied. If you love horror films, if you love 3-D, if you love the thrills you filed your axe to in the golden age of slashers, this is the one. Grab the popcorn, settle back in your seat and try not to smile as Lussier recalls the good old days with enough modern technology at play to make this a special Valentine to horror fans everywhere.

An Open Response to "An Open Note to Horror Movie Screenwriters"

The daily mining through Google Alerts turns up the occasional odd tidbit of horror bloggery. In this case, however, I found in the inbox an article posted here concerning an advertisement for The Unborn viewed during a break in The Daily Show. In the piece, writer Melissa Ford poses one of the fundamental questions of horror: when is it too much? Specifically, Ford points to the issue of stillborn children as one of such emotional gravity that screenwriters for horror films should avoid it altogether.

With all due respect to Ms. Ford, that will hopefully never happen. The article is from a site dedicated to women's issues, and, with all due deference to context, this piece is not from the point of view of a real genre fan, though she does give some viewing credentials such as Poltergeist and Psycho. Just wanted to state for the record, I realize this article was not meant for me as a reader, but, as a screenwriter of horror myself, I felt the urge to respond.

First and foremost, nothing in horror is off limits. Nothing. Once horror writers begin to compromise, as so many do, it's just an exercise in genre conventions, and not a true exploration of fear. And that's fine. I love a good monster movie if done well as much as a serious exploration of terror, like The Descent or 28 Days Later. Despite The Unborn's use of a child which has died in the womb as its premise, it is such a wholly silly and, frankly, dumb film that it doesn't really earn the right to upset those who have dealt with that type of loss. Criticize the ad campaign, if you will, or send letters to The Daily Show for airing the ad during what some may feel is an inappropriate time, but do not tell a writer not to write about a certain subject.

Horror is and must be the genre that is more willing than any other to tackle taboos and drag them screaming into the light. Most films in the genre are not so ambitious or successful at this, but they should never be denied the right to try. Something like Inside, truly a frightening and exceedingly violent film, boils down to one idea: what if some crazy person decided they wanted my baby and would do anything to get it - including cut it out of me? Surely this is a difficult film to view, but does that mean the fear it addresses doesn't exist? Pretending that pain and fear are not real, or suggesting that such things should remain hidden, is the worst sort of censorship. Horror should hurt, it should be painful and frightening. Don't like it? Don't see the movie. Freaked out by the ads? Ask yourself why. Perhaps dealing with such a painful and emotional issue in the context of a fictional thrill ride may lead to some degree of acceptance and, ultimately, healing. Sure, you're not going to get that resonance with The Unborn, but a film like Inside or Rosemary's Baby addresses real fear and paranoia, which makes it just a little easier to deal with for many.

I appreciate the sentiment Ms. Ford expresses, but as a horror fan and a writer, I could never condone any request to tone down material, or to accept that a particular subject is hands-off. That is cowardice, not respect.

Let the Healing Begin...

It's been a tough weekend... First, I had to make it through Feast II: Sloppy Seconds, a review you can see here, and then The Unborn, seen here. Not to mention the loss of a certain football team of titanic proportions, but those wounds are slowly healing. What about the optimism I feel for My Bloody valentine 3-D, or the fact that I get my peepers on Tokyo Gore Police this very evening? So, there's always an upside.

Speaking of, our very own Maven got a big interview for her work on horrormovies.ca. You can read the whole thing here. Yay for being internet-famous. While you're there, check out some more of The Chainsaw Mafia site. Go ahead, don't cost nothin'.

And, lastly, Mirrors makes its debut on home video today. Check out the review of the theatrical release here, just in case someone was trying to dupe you into seeing it.

Review: The Unborn

The Unborn marks the first theatrical horror release of 2009, and the first of two Platinum Dunes productions in as many months, with Friday the 13th due February 13th (natch). It also marks the fourth directorial effort from David S. Goyer, who is far more prolific as a writer, including contributions to last summer's megahit The Dark Knight. So, this film is not without a certain pedigree. But then you begin to dig through Goyer's previous efforts. There's the almost watchable Blade: Trinity, the critically panned The Invisible, and a small movie entitled ZigZag, which I am laying off simply because I haven't seen it. Suddenly, things seem less promising.

The Unborn deals with an ancient spirit called a dybbuk, an entity that was previously human, but has become trapped between life and death. As it struggles to find a body to be reborn into, it becomes angry, less human, and vengeful. The dybbuk present in this film has targeted a family due to an event which occurred during the Holocaust, where the dybbuk attempted to reanimate a young body, only to be dispatched by the host's twin sister. Unfortunately, the spirit has returned.
Casey (Odette Yustman), haunted by the death of her mentally ill mother, begins to have visions of a young boy with pale blue eyes and a pale, marred complexion. Worse yet, her own eyes are slowly fading to the same pale blue, indicative of the dybbuk's attempt to exert its influence over her. And, no one around her is safe from its rage, as Casey's babysitting charges are affected, along with her friend Romey (Meagan Good) and her boyfriend Mark (Cam Gigandet). She seeks assistance in Rabbi Sendak (Gary Oldman) after discovering a relationship with Holocaust survivor Sofi Kozma (Jane Alexander). All of this leads to a showdown with the dybbuk, done exorcism-style.

Sadly, this tale of possession and a cursed family must have looked far better on paper than it does on the big screen. Goyer's film is a collection of jump-scare gags and a few unsettling images, but too few to be the surreal experience one imagines that it might have been. The jumps are so telegraphed as to be rendered ineffectual, accompanied by sound cues that are ridiculous in their grandeur. The images of the twisting flesh of some of the dybbuk's victims work, but not enough to save this one. No ground rules have been laid in this film to understand how the dybbuk works. In fact, the remedies to ward the spirit off are a mish-mash of trinkets and practices that sometimes work, sometimes not, but none you've ever heard of and none you would want to try. In particular, the practice of placing opened scissors under the pillow at night to ward off evil seems too dangerous, and, worse yet, it seems completely ineffectual. I found myself wondering how the dybbuk possessed folks, and why it wouldn't just hang tight in one of the bodies it was using over possessing Casey, unless it just wanted to be a hot chick.
Speaking of Odette Yustman in the lead role, her performance ranges from the overly emotional to the melodramatic. The characters as a whole are flat, and no one exists beyond the scene. And what happened to Casey's father, while I'm at it? He goes out of town and never calls to check on his daughter? Perhaps the dybbuk is just a metaphor for poor parenting. The only one giving a reasonable performance is the always reliable Gary Oldman, but he is slumming here, and not in it enough to lift the film from its too-serious tone.

Basically, this is a mess. The story is all over the place, the acting mediocre, the scares not original enough to warrant a viewing. I do believe it shows that even a PG-13 horror film can showcase effective moments, but this isn't the film that's going to convince the haters that the only good horror movie is an R-rated horror movie. At a lean 88 minute run time, perhaps a director's cut can flesh out the silliness into something comprehensible, but, in the theater, this is a lot of ridiculousness splashed across the screen. Skip this one.

You Want Clips? We Got Clips!

Not only is My Bloody Valentine 3-D one short week away for all of us 3-D-philes out there, but Lionsgate sent us some new clips to keep the horror nerd juices flowing. And, if that wasn't enough, click here for a jump to a special Thursday night screening, so you can get a peek at the movie in all its tri-dimensional glory before your worthless friends!









Also, the teaser for the remake of a film near and dear to this blog is up. That's right, The Last House on the Left (2009) is now ready for public consumption, at least in trailer form. Hop over to Lisa Bee's here to see the new trailer. So early in 2009 and so much to talk about already.

By the way, does anyone get the feeling that The Uninvited, the remake of the well-received A Tale of Two Sisters looks almost nothing like the film I remember seeing? And the pinky swear in the trailers? Is that supposed to pass for the delicate closeness of the sisters from the original? There is a scent in the air around this one, and it has the faint aroma of suck. Hope I'm wrong, if only because of a deep love for the original and the wonderful Elizabeth Banks.

Review: Timecrimes (Los Cronocrimenes)

As one who grew up on the Back to the Future films, I have always been a fan of time travel films in general, particularly those that weave multiple time lines together. With Timecrimes, writer and director Nacho Vigalondo takes what seems to be a simple premise and creates a unique film that not only disguises its low-budget roots, but seems to derive some of the best tricks from the lack of effects.

Timecrimes begins with Hector (Karra Elejalde) and his wife in repose, away from the things of man in the remote Spanish countryside. While Clara (Candela Fernandez) putters away assembling tables, Hector tries to get some rest, but he is preoccupied with taking in the world beyond their fence with a pair of binoculars. Soon, mysterious events begin to occur, including a phone call from an unusual number and Hector's discovery of a beautiful nude girl in a clearing in the woods, also spied with his binoculars. When Clara heads for the store, Hector investigates.
Hector soon finds himself in the same clearing as the nude girl, who is now unconscious. There's little time to investigate as he is assaulted by a strange figure wearing a mask made of pink bandages, who welcomes Hector to his adventure by planting a pair of scissors in his arm. Hector, of course, flees, pursued by the bandaged man to a house where music blares and a walkie-talkie is the only contact with the outside world. On the other end of the walkie is an unknown man, who tells Hector the bandaged man is coming for him and he must escape the house and make the short journey to a nearby silo where the stranger is observing.

Once there, Hector is lured inside a machine filled with opaque fluid and sealed inside, ostensibly for protection against the bandaged man. One flash of light later and Hector emerges from the tank, only an hour and a half earlier. Where night had fallen, the world has become day, and Hector must explain to the stranger, Chico (director Vigalondo), how he has come to be in his tank. Chico explains to Hector, "the first vertebrate to travel through time", that he must allow his other self (who can be seen through the binoculars relaxing with his wife, prior to the beginning of Hector 2's adventure) to catch up to Hector 2 in this timeline, otherwise things could become... complicated. Hector, of course, makes a phone call to himself and leaves the facility, thereby setting a chain of events in motion that will leave someone dead.
No spoilers here, gang, as it steals the fun of Vigalondo's twisting, mind-bending movie. Despite the lack of effects, or maybe because of it, this movie doesn't deal with the sci-fi elements of time travel, the hows and whys of the machine, but rather places an ordinary man in an extraordinary circumstance and forces him to untangle time and multiple identities to return to some sort of normal life. There are twists, for sure, and just when you think you have the film figured out, it is almost guaranteed to turn on you, throwing you down another time travelling rabbit hole where no conclusion is certain.
The best thing about the film, though, is Elejalde. As Hector, Elejalde manages to create an emotional arc for his character that is incredibly satisfying, transitioning from a naieve accidental time traveller into a savvy lead, determined to set things right, or as right as they can be set. Timecrimes is a challenging, satisfying puzzle of a movie that has enough new moves to make it worth any film fan's time. Light on dazzle and heavy on smarts, Timecrimes is currently playing in limited release. Check the papers for showings at local art houses, and see this one while you can. Fantastic fun that I can't wait to see again.

Review: Feast II: Sloppy Seconds

Stephen King wrote in Danse Macabre, "I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will terrorize the reader. But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if I find that I cannot horrify, I will go for the gross-out. I'm not proud." Aside from proving the literacy of this blog, that quote sums up John Gulager's follow-up to his 2005 surprise Feast, cleverly subtitled Feast II: Sloppy Seconds. Feast II displays such a lack of the pride King speak of, one must almost respect the dedication to going farther than the first film in almost every way.

Feast II begins shortly after the events of the original film, as Biker Queen rides up to the site of the first's last stand, where she finds the stump of a hand - one with a matching tattoo - her sister. Infuriated by the loss of her sister, Biker Queen, played by Gulager regular Diane Goldner, who also played her twin in the original, digs up the director's father, Clu Gulager, back in the role of Bartender. She roughs him up, straps him to her bike and heads into town with her gang in tow.
Town, it turns out, is no safe haven. The creatures have moved on from the bar and turned the town into a buffet, killing most and leaving a handful of survivors, including the cuckolded car salesman, Slasher, his adulterous wife, Secrets, and her lover, Greg. Biker Queen and her gang soon find themselves besieged by the creatures along with the remaining townsfolk, rounded out by little people (aka "nuggets") wrestlers Thunder and Lightning and one other survivor of the bar, Honey Pie, who, you may remember, took off in a truck during an escape attempt. The group attempts to make it to the jail across the street, currently locked up tight by Hobo, who has managed to turn the building into his own private keep.

Further attempts in synopsizing the film would quickly devolve into a "they went here and then they went here" affair, but you get the point. Survivors + monsters = struggle to stay alive. The story is certainly not the focus of this movie, as you've seen all there is to see of it. What this movie sets out to do is take the extreme nature of the first film and turn it to eleven. And it does.
The gore is heavier, the camera work more frenetic, the fluids more amply distributed over the cast. The effects are a step down, with some clear green screen work and CGI that often reminds the viewer that they are watching a movie, but how could you possibly forget when the camera lingers and freezes on shots of the characters being covered by monster semen? At first, I found myself appreciating the energy of the film as it barreled along, tossing away the clever inserts to describe the characters from the first film, along with their chance of survival, in favor of the characters addressing the camera directly. That sort of thing works for the most part, but after the midway point, I began to tire of the same gags.

Likewise I struggled with a scene in which one of the survivors sacrifices an infant to make his own escape in a particularly graphic way, and Gulager lingers on the shot of the infant flying through the air for several seconds before resigning the child to its fate. Part of me understands and even enjoys a movie that so gleefully goes over the edge of good taste, but something about this didn't sit right. Finally, I realized, it's because there's nothing to redeem it, and I don't mean a happy ending. I mean a movie that has established a clever irreverence where an act like this doesn't seem like superfluous violence, but rather is a dash of inappropriate flavor to a film that has established its own merits.
Feast II feels like the cinematic equivalent of young boys who videotape themselves lighting their own farts. It may be silly fun for a moment, but you quickly tire of it. After a time, the whole exercise becomes juvenile and sad. By the time some of the biker girls have to sacrifice their tops to make a human slingshot, I was surprised I didn't see it coming. Writers Patrick Melton and Marcus Dunstan resemble nothing more than schoolboys, giggling at their own cleverness while cobbling together a movie that revels in being offensive more than entertaining. Sorry, but the Faces of Death years are done, and there's just no room in a world of savvy horror fans to pass this off as a real movie.

I almost feel bad for Gulager, who is a capable director and has an eye for composing a scene, but the material here is beneath him. That does not exonerate him from blame, but I still think he has a heap of talent and deserves a better script than the one Melton and Dunstan saddled him with. He does what he can to keep things lively, but it's just too dumb to carry the weight of a feature film. Maybe I'm being easy on the guy, but I'd like to believe that he made the best film possible with what he had. Feast II is a cinematically retarded work that should only appeal to prepubescent boys who can't tell shock from quality.

A Bloody Treat

With My Bloody Valentine 3-D just around the corner, and, if the buzz is any indication, this will be the number one film next weekend, why not have a bit of fun with friends and family with a good, old-fashioned freak-out? The folks behind the movie have a little YouTube treat that you can find by clicking here. And, yes, I did send that along to a non-horror fan (or "normies") which prompted an angry phone call.

While you're at it, how about giving a listen to screenwriter-turned-director Ethan Wiley discuss the cult classic House. It don't cost nothin'. Click your mouse here for that one.

Coming up, a Friday review of The Unborn (could it be the first positive review given to a Platinum Dunes project?), as well as a review of the indie darling Timecrimes.

House-tastic

Okay, gang, here's the deal. Rob, of Natsukashi infamy, has posted our discussion with Ethan Wiley, the writer of House and director of House 2. That's right, we're rubbing elbows with honest-to-goodness horror icons, and you are front row. For once, I kept my trap largely shut as Ethan regaled Rob and I with a number of back-lot stories concerning House, the sequel, and his time at Industrial Light and Magic, as well as time spent with effects guru Chris Walas, who created creatures for Gremlins and The Fly.

Feel free to link up on your own blogs if you find it interesting, as Rob and I certainly did when we sat down with Mr. Wiley on Saturday to pick his brain (in the good way) about House, the history of its transition from script to screen, the danger of ex-wives, and how badass John Ratzenberger is with a sword. Click on the poster or hit the jump here for your listening pleasure. You can also see what the estimable Mr. Wiley is working on now at his production company's website here. Another big thanks to Ethan and Wiseacre films.

Review: Ekusute aka Exte:Hair Extensions

Haunted hair. That's what we're talking about here, so let's get it out in the open. Writer/director Sion Sono is no stranger to the offbeat, after all this is the man responsible for both and Suicide Club and Noriko's Dinner Table. Still, the premise seems a stretch, to say the least, but I am never one to shirk from the responsibility of watching a film with a ridiculous premise. This week alone I survived Wicked Lake. So, how does hair become haunted, you ask? Read on.

The body of a girl is found in a cargo container in the local dockyard, only this cargo container is filled with human hair, in addition to the aforementioned corpse. When the body is brought in by police to be examined, it catches the eye of Yamazaki (Ren Osugi), an assistant with a penchant for long flowing hair. As he goes through the body bags to harvest hair for his on-the-side business of selling extensions, he comes across the body of the girl found at the docks, only now she's growing hair. Lots of it. He really has no choice but to steal her away and hang her from a hammock where he can collect the hair that she continues to grow, right?
While Yamazaki is busy fetishizing hair, Yuko (Chiaki Kuriyama), a hairdresser-in-training, finds herself caring for her sister's daughter, Mami. Yuko's sister is busy being a drunken abuser with a habit of busting into her sister's place and stealing Yuko's stuff. If only there were some way that the score could be settled... Oh, wait, Yamazaki could sell the hair extensions he's reaping from the hair girl.

The extensions first find their way into the ear of a hairdresser, who has visions of the hair donor's fate - one of kidnap, shaving and organ harvesting. All in all, not the best way to spend a weekend, though it did have the effect of tainting the now-growing hair with a supernatural rage. After getting hammered with these flashes of horror, the hairdresser sees fit to dispatch her customer, then herself. When Yamazaki shows up at Yuko's salon with samples of his extensions, we know that the hair is about to hit the fan, culminating in a final confrontation inside Yamazaki's hair-strewn lair.

Forgive me for playing coy with my description of the film, but the premise is superficially ridiculous. In the hands of a different director, this would, nay, must be an awful movie. However, Ekusute isn't a bad movie at all. In fact, it's one of the most surreal and fun examples of J-horror cinema I have seen since it first crashed against American shores. Sono knows the language of film, and his use of lighting is phenomenal. Better yet, within his script, he seems to be winking at the absurdity of his own premise, creating some funny moments while never losing a creepy tone that carries throughout. He manages to address issues of child abuse in a way that never feels as though it weighs down the film, without ever diminishing the awfulness of it. Also, the argument could be made that the film is commenting on the obsession with augmenting the natural form, which leads to forces evening the score. If that's the case, the boob job movie is going to be a winner.
But, this is a horror film, right? Sono knows it is and delivers there, too. The visuals are often clearly CGI or stop-motion, but that doesn't cheapen the moments he's created here. The images of the initial victim's terror at the hands of her captor are striking and disturbing without being grisly, and, as the extensions' influence grows and kills, we are treated to a terrific moment with young Mami hiding in a cabinet as her mother and her mother's lover are dealt with by the hair. This is an honestly unnerving film, that plays like half-parody and half-horror film, and it works well on both counts.

Sure, there are problems. The effects, as I mentioned, are not always spot-on, though they are far from horrible, and the final scene contains one gag that was a bit too silly for my tastes, but I had long since stopped cataloguing the rare missteps when I was enjoying myself so much.

Ekusute is a bizarre, well-crafted film that reminds the viewer that Asian horror is not done with us just yet. If this is an example of the next wave of Asian cinema, marrying the standards of the horror films before with a surrealist bent, similar to that seen in Uzumaki, then I have nothing but hope for the future. This is a twisted little gem of a movie that belongs on the shelf of any lover of J-horror.