Review: Saw 3-D

Okay, gang, let's put a bow on this Saw thing. Because of the nature of these films, there are some spoilers ahead for those who haven't seen the past few sequels, but these things must be revealed to talk about the most recent chapter. If, for some reason, you want to see this one, but haven't seen Saw 5 & 6, you might want to skip to the last paragraph and save yourself some information. On the other hand, why would you watch those awful movies? Screw it, don't worry about watching 'em. Here's what's going on in the Jigsaw-verse.

As we know, former Agent Hoffman (Costas Mandylor) has been the Jigsaw killer for a while, now. When last we left him, the real Jigsaw's wife, Jill (Betsy Russell), had found him out and placed him in a trap. Something about how he was handling Jigsaw's legacy. Whatever. We find that Hoffman hasn't been done in by the trap left for him, however, and, instead, is planning his vengeance on both Jill and a former colleague named Gibson (Chad Donella). Gibson is keeping Jill safe using his pull as a detective while investigating the latest in Jigsaw's traps, which has left a slew of bodies at a local junkyard. Oh, and there was the deal you see in the ads where there's a bunch of people watching some people in a booth with an elaborate saw trap. That has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the movie. In fact, I don't believe it was mentioned again. Sorry, trying to inject narrative logic. Forgot which series of films I was talking about.

The other storyline has to do with a guy named Bobby (Sean Patrick Flanery) who has written a book detailing his recovery and lessons learned following his escape from one of Jigsaw's traps. Trouble is, he was never actually in one of Jigsaw's traps. I think you can guess where that's headed. Yep, he and his wife and PR team are caught in another game designed by Hoffman, one would assume. He never really interacts with Bobby. Whatever. He has to save his friends and get to his wife in an hour, or she dies. I like when these movies give you a clear idea of when they're going to end. Keeps hope alive.

Also back in the picture is Dr. Gordon (Cary Elwes), the original victim of Jigsaw's machinations. He shows up at a support group Bobby is leading to offer a sarcastic clap and then disappears. But this is a Saw movie, and we know there's going to be a twist. Surely, Elwes wasn't brought back for two minutes of screen time, was he? It's the cinematic equivalent of seeing Martin Sheen guest star on Murder, She Wrote, only he's in one scene and disappears while Jessica searches for the killer. It can't turn out to be Martin Sheen, can it?

This is director Kevin Gruetert's sophomore effort in the series, on the heels of the abysmal Saw VI, and the fourth go-round for writers Patrick Melton and Marcus Dunstan, who followed up the fun Feast with two bad sequels and are attached to the Piranha sequel coming next year. They are very, very bad writers. There are so many pointless diversions and question marks left by their stories, it's amazing that no one ever stopped to ask if this should all make sense. Whatever, this is the last one. So, the 3-D is almost besides the point, and only a couple of gags even justify the extra cost. Thankfully, the blue-green lighting that is a hallmark of this franchise is downplayed, so at least I didn't get a headache watching this one. The gore is fine, if unnecessary, and the whole thing is less a movie than a masturbatory exercise in silly plotting and showing a little viscera.

Ultimately, this isn't the worst of the series, and it does end it, basically. This has been touted as the final chapter, and they, by god, better not be dirty liars. If you've seen the other films, curiosity may lead you to this, and that's fine. But if you've never seen these films beyond the original, count yourself lucky and skip this mess. But, on a personal note, I did it. I saw them all. Down to the very last one. And it better be...